Saturday, May 30, 2015

Oh Austin, You're SO Cute!

Yes, I condescend, but the city clearly cant help itself; Austin is adorable. I love how poorly the roads are laid out (I doubt even the natives would argue that); every drive through the city is more like a car chase through the streets of San Fran Chinatown (think "tower of doom"). And how viciously rain storms can affect the traction of your tires (Austin is magical when it comes to sliding out in the rain).  Nowhere else in the world does a jeep falter on an inch of water like a three year-old on a slip and slide. It's OK jeep driver, take up three lanes as long as you need to get your tires safely grounded again!

I adore how healthy everyone is; I'm not just talking about girls in yoga pants (featured prominently in all corners of the nation), marching around with their juice they clearly juiced at home this morning (as I stare at my very own juicer on the counter-top). I'm talking about the bevy of Kombucha home-growers (if you thought weed was a growing epidemic across America, think again. this vile and vinegary little bastard is being produced in mass quantities in every true Austinites home, if you aren't growing, get with it!). And I'm not judging, either. The need for fresh juice and daily stretches could be a fact of most cities over-populated by the mid twenties to forties demographic.  However, the fact that every park in Austin is filled with running shows (man, woman, child, even the baby stroller), and noone sitting casually in the grass, or dipping their toes in the cool and clear water, is surely a sign. Rage on, health fanatics! But good luck with those joints in 15 years.

Ok Austin,  I have to give you mad props: every single man here has a beard. It isn't an option, it is a requirement. If Texas is its own country, and you want to immigrate, you better plan, and grow, a fucking beard, because they will decline your citizenship without one. You can be certain, however, that if beard-growing was an option for the female populace, mine would be a fierce competitor.

And what about the weather in this crazy state? Every single plant in Texas is presented to the beholder in technicolor. Why, you ask?  Because rain was invented in Texas. Did you fucking know that? Yeah, it was invented here. By the time the rest of the globe caught on to the benefits of rain, their sloppy seconds yielded an olive color that looks somehow dim in comparison to the greenery of Texas. They say that everything is bigger in Texas, but what "they" really mean is that Texans invented rain.

I can't stop there, though. What about the food carts (no but seriously)?! They deliver all kinds of delicacies (hello ostrich eggs) to varying parts of the city at all and very unreasonable hours of the night. Thank you ostrich egg, for being there when the drunkies need you most (at closing time), and thank you for situation your steamy caverns of greatness right between dirty sixth and the parking garage.

Yeah, Austin! Thanks for hosting some of the most massive music festivals in our great nation. You make America proud. Thanks for introduce me to bugs that look like a CT scan of Edgar Allan Poe's brain. Thanks for fireflies, clear skies, heat, sweat, daylight, and (most of all) southern ladies who sip mojitos for a living. Thank you for being so damn cute.